Brace yourself for a very random, very personal post.
I don’t know if this post will resonate with anyone and I wish I was more articulate and could write something inspiring and unique. But I’m just me, and this is how I’m feeling:
Lately I’ve been feeling very ‘on edge’. I have been doing my best to keep my ‘everything is great!’ face but I can’t deny the twinge of anxiety that has been rumbling in my stomach for the past week.
This anxiety comes from school, the pressure I put on myself to get good grades, do my best, you know the drill.
Early to the hospital means plenty of time for bathroom selfies 
A lot of this anxiety also comes from my non-stop mind that lately has been questioning a lot of my actions.
For the past week I’ve become aware of an inner dialogue that is full of negativity.
“Don’t eat that- you need more protein”.
“Don’t do that workout- it doesn’t burn enough calories.”
“I wish I had her hair. I wish I had her abs.”
“Her workout was longer than mine.” ”She runs faster/lifts heavier than I do.”
Yesterday while I was studying, I felt exhausted. I’ve been getting plenty of sleep and yet all I wanted to do was take a nap. Every day this week I’ve been either napping or turning to sugar to keep myself going. I know I’m only in my twenties and I’m not a doctor yet, but I do know this to be true:
Taking a nap or having another cookie is not the key to happiness.
(although it may seem that way in the short term)
I really- I mean really wanted to take a nap but I knew a workout was what my soul needed. I was in the mood for a run but then I experienced all the negative thinking again- “you have to lift weights because muscle burns more fat.” ”Don’t do a cardio workout.” ”You have to burn x amount of calories.”
Shutting this voice up and getting outside for a run is what finally brought me inner peace.
The universe must have known that I would hit a low spot today because the sun was shining, it was 45 degrees (way warmer than usual), and a perfect day for a run along the canal near my house.
This is the canal I ran on all through college. The canal I kneeled down on and prayed for a good MCAT score. A year later I knelt down in the same spot and prayed to get into medical school. It’s always been a place for me to connect with what is important in my life.
In the midst of all the negativity this week a tiny inner voice chimed in and reminded me of what my goals are:
Become the best physician I can be.
Become a devoted wife and start a family.
Travel the world.
Give back.
Learn.
Read.
Not one of those goals has anything to do with six pack abs or designer shoes.
I absolutely love the blogging world and I am incredibly grateful for social media, but at times I find myself becoming side-tracked and losing sight of my goals.
It’s easy to see all the images of fitness models and think that your goal is to have a perfect body, or be a perfect athlete. I read AMAZING blogs about people running marathons and trail races. Sometimes I think I should be doing those things. When my mind is consumed with all these ideas of what is important in life, I get OVERWHELMED right away. School gets stressful and becomes a chore. Everything gets harder. My mind wanders from what I think I have to do vs. what I really want to do.
Things I’ve lately been thinking I have to do involve certain workouts or eating certain things or studying certain books. What I really want to do is eat a banana before bed- the horror of carbs at bedtime!!! Or do a cardio workout instead of lifting weights- gasp!!!! Maybe I want to study surgery right now but no- I.MUST.STUDY.ANESTHESIA.BECAUSE.I.MUST.GET.A.100.ON.THE.EXAM.
When I set my priorities straight, things become easier.
My priorities are school, Kyle, my health, and my friends and family. That’s it.
Taking the blog world by storm with 100,000 page views a day, having six pack abs, running a marathon- those are not my goals.
1 hour of jogging, stopping to take pictures, stopping to reflect:
I found my happy place again! Each day I get to choose health because it brings me JOY. Not because I am obligated to have the perfect body. Or have the perfect macronutrient breakdown. Each day I get to study medicine because it is my PASSION. Not because I have to be number one in my class.
Phew. Glad I’m back on planet normal!
Sometimes it’s hard to remember who you are and what you stand for. Yesterday I needed to take care of my soul and come back to “me”.
How do you take care of your soul? Is it through prayer? Meditation? Running? Yoga?
Do you get bogged down and lose your way?
Happy Valentine’s Day! And virtual hugs back especially because you totally deserve one for writing such an honest post AND finding your happiness again — go you!
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Thanks for sharing Andrea. Good for you. I read once (I think it was in one of Tosca Reno’s books or blogs) that you could be doing everything right, but if your soul isn’t centered, you will be off balance (ie:not lose fat, not recover, restless sleep) despite your efforts. Negative energy is toxic no matter where it comes from. I’m so inspired by you that you took charge and shut that negative voice up!
I wrote a similar post today about how sometimes I don’t know what to do and I just have to let the universe tell me what is next.
I take care of my soul through fitness, talking to my family, and cuddling with my fiance.
Mel recently posted…My Relationship with the Universe
This post definitely resonates, and is similar to my message today about loving yourself. Loving yourself also means being true to you and what works for YOU.
I take care of myself through meditation and running, especially when I’m feeling bogged down by work stress.
Becki @ Fighting for Wellness recently posted…Loving Yourself This Valentine’s Day and Every Day
We have to be true to ourselves
I LOVED your post yesterday! xoxo
I completely understand! I am in that same place….need to reign in the positives every once and a while!
Yes- let’s get positive!!
Omg Andrea! I can totally 100% relate!! I have had very similar feelings lately and at times I do feel a bit lost because I am not doing what I want to do full time right now and that is sooo hard for me to deal with and makes it easy to lose sight of what is truly important…thanks for writing this post
I need to take some time for my soul ASAP! Happy valentines! We need to do a double date with you and Kyle when he is in town next…maybe a cooking class?!
YES!!!! Double date sounds SO FUN!! I want to do wine and canvas too- have you done it?? We should look into cooking classes and other activities!!! So much fun! love you miss tara!
Thanks for the post Andrea! I know that you intended it to be cathartic for you, but it was really motivating for me. I have been struggling to prioritize school, Matt, and my health lately and that really hit home. I find that reading your blog usually has an inspiring effect on me, so thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to write everyday:) I hope you get to enjoy some time with Kyle this weekend!
Aww Erin- You are SO CLOSE to being done with the worst part!!! Everything gets easier to prioritize once boards are over. I’m here for you!!
I love this post! I am my own worst critic and am constantly fighting a battle of trying to be perfect and being disappointed and mad at myself when I’m not. Add to that the anxiety I’ve been feeling lately and I’ve been a ball of fun for Josh to be around. I was having stomach and digestive problems for two months and couldn’t figure out what it was. After blood work, collection samples and testing, a colonoscopy, endoscopy, ultrasound, and CAT scan- I was diagnosed with IBS. While that is the best possible diagnosis for what I was experiencing, during those two months I was convinced it was either IBD or there was something seriously wrong with my colon, stomach, pancreas or gallbladder. I’m now working on celebrating my health instead of constantly questioning it and trying to stop feeling like I have to measure up in every aspect of my life to other people. I just want to be the best version of me!
Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie recently posted…Happy Valentine’s Day!
Let’s be the best versions of ourselves!!! I am so sorry for everything you’ve gone through health-wise but I really think you will be such an inspiration for others with IBS because you know how to make healthy choices and respect and appreciate your beautiful self
Love you Erin!!
It’s funny because I look up to YOU in the same way that you are looking at these other blogs. You are in medical school and such a dedicated studier and are GORGEOUS and have seemed to find such a good balance between eating healthy and eating practically. (As in, not raw/organic/paleo/local/vegan/250% clean for every single meal kind of thing.) So just know that people look up to YOU in the same way.
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HAYLEE you made my day! Thank you so much for your comment. I think it’s so funny how we all see things in other people we wish we had ourselves, when in reality we have great qualities too! And thanks for the compliment on my eating choices- sometimes I think “maybe I should be vegan or pale or whatever” and then I realize that that’s not going to add anything to my life- I’m happy living in moderation and eating cookies while I study- LOL!! Have a great day girl!!
Thanks for sharing Andrea. I can relate to some of those thoughts. I really am critical about myself. But, in the long run, it’s just about being healthy, not about getting the six pack or being those fitness models in those fitness magazines. It’s also about loving yourself and knowing what your priorities are. The funny thing is, is that, I love how you manage to balance your life. I look up to you for that.
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You are right! It’s about loving yourself and being healthy
Thank you for such a sweet comment Helen!
I really enjoyed this post!! I totally feel like that sometimes too!! I am very impressed by you and all that you do! When I feel like this, I try to do exactly what you did: take a deep breath and remember my priorities. Sometimes it takes a little while or a fun day away to remember who I am and what I want to be.
Here is a blog I read earlier this week that had a similar post to yours. I really liked this one too.
http://www.momslittlerunningbuddy.com/2013/02/blog-reading-is-dangerous.html
Danielle recently posted…Crockpot Challenge #6- Butternut Squash and Green Apple Soup (Vegan)
Thank you Danielle! Going over to check out that other blog now!
Oh I totally know what you’re going through. looks like Danielle gave you a link to my post. It’s got a very similar tone. It’s so easy to get caught up in all that’s going on but I have to constantly remind myself to narrow my focus and do what’s important to me!
The Type A’s in us want to do it all! You’re not alone. This corporate executive (who also happens to blog) feels your pain.
Katie
Katie @momslrb recently posted…Featured Blogger…Katy Widrick
profound post Andrea. Love the description of your journey to a great epiphany – amen to your vision and live the passion!
Thank you thank you sweet Linda!! xoxo
My mind sounds exactly like yours! Putting too much pressure on myself to be the best at school; it’s made all of the things I normally enjoy start to feel like chores, including working out. I’m hoping to take some inspiration from this post and try to be better about focusing on my goals. Thanks!
Tori recently posted…The Importance of YOUR happiness and bonus Glutes
TORI!!! I MISS YOU!!! How is school going?!?! Reading your latest post now
I miss you too!!
School is a bit crazy, but really great! I’m in a problem based learning program so I’m learning a lot not only about clinical sciences but also about working with teams, dealing with group conflict, etc. The year is flying by!!
All of your advice about school is definitely a go-to for me- so thank you!! Keep being awesome, I know you will
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I just came across your blog and love it! Thanks, and please keep it up! Like you, I am a health-minded individual planning on a career as a Physician. I’m currently applying to med school and hoping for good news soon. Needless to say, this post really resonated with me. I’ve been doing a ton of spinning (my catharsis) and power yoga in the hopes of relieving some of this stress.